Conditions of Employment Contract

Work can be a four letter word. This is funny any time but especially so if you're having one of 'those' days

A) SICK LEAVE
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as a proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work as well

B) MATERNITY LEAVE
You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you’ll then be allowed to get pregnant. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave

No males shall get leave related to their wife’s pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker)

C) SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact

To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment

D) HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays

E) BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done

F) TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open

G) LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill

H) ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement

You will be pleased to see there is no clause preventing you from reading this article. However, you should now get back to work!

Previous post:

Next post: